Tuesday, September 6, 2016


You know what? I am a spiteful person.
I am actually a hateful person in disguise.

I hate everything..

I hate how people are so nice and i am not
I hate how people have dreams and i have not
I hate people who are successful and i am not
I hate people who are beautiful and i am not
I hate people who is so soft spoken and i am not
I hate those who are so thoughtful but i am not

I hate myself in general. All i see is scum.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

once upon a dream 2


  It is the wedding day. Fiona is not nervous, she is calm. They prep her, and for the first time in her life, she felt pretty, even before the make-up. At times she felt the palpitations, but she was able to calm herself down. The sister was with her all the way, helping and joking with her. Where is her family you might ask? She is an orphan, an no known family ever came to visit her. How surprising no one claims to be her family now. It doesn't matter, it is her happiness that is important.

  Before she knew it, they were declared as husband and wife. The prince held her hand all the way, never letting go. Fiona, feeling shy, smiled all the way and grasped his hand back. He whispered in her ear, she blushing and laughing, it was a wonderful day. The only intimate scene shared with the world was shy peck on her forehead, as he whispered "i love u" to her and only her. She understood that he will make her happy.

  But the celebration did not last as the sky breaks and turn black. Screams were heard far away. One of the staff came up to the king, whispering urgently. The prince looked concerned. She squeezed his hand, and finally she said, "i love you dearly, eventhough i still don't know why, but i trust you will come back to me. Go my dear, just remember i will be waiting." He looked stunned for a second, looked into her eyes, smiled and kissed her back on the cheek, keeping with his promise that their personal life will be kept personal. "I will be back, and i love you so much." He hugged her, long and hard, stood up and ran after his father. She looked on, worry lined her face, knowing that this might be the last time she see him. In her hand she held the last gift she will ever receive, even though she does not know it yet.

  Turns out it was an alien attack. jang jang janggg...nerdy isn't it?
i wanted to continue writing but i can't because i can't figure out the perfect transition. i am sorry. tommorrow maybe.

to be continued.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

once upon a dream


  There was once an ordinary girl. Let's name her Fiona. She is a petite girl, with long blackish-brownish wavy hair. Her face is semi angulated, her cheek bones slightly prominent, naturally blushed and having moderate eye size i guess. She is not skinny but not too fat, slightly on the heavy side, curvy you might say. She is proud of her wide framed eye glasses, covering half of her face as she is near-sighted.

  You may say that she is not fashionable, but there are some hints of trendiness here and there. She is more comfortable covering her body as she is body conscious. Skirts and loose pants makes up half of her wardrobe, and she loves three quarter shirts. Her favorite outfit is long dress paired with a long cardigan.

  Sometimes she walks with an air of confidence, ready to seize the world. Sometimes she walks cautiously, her head low, respectful and shy at the same time.She likes to keep it simple, not much make-up, her hair usually tied in a simple ponytail. She might seemes like the girl-next-door, but if you look closely and long enough, there is an undefined beauty that you can never explained.

  Now this no ordinary story. Well, it may seemed fairy-tale like at one point, and then suddenly crashed into the nerdy zone. You see, she is betrothed. Even she is surprised by the ring that sits on her finger, perfectly fitted. For me to tell the story of this amazing event is for another time, where i shall have the time to ponder on how luck or really an accident that lead to the current events.

  Why, you might asked, for isn't it a simple story of a girl meets guy, guy falls in love and wants to get married to the one and only? Let me share with you a secret. This is not one simple handsome man, in fact, he is the love of every girls, women, moms and grandmothers. He is the Crown Prince of a certain country which shall remain a blur, for i have not discovered his origins, to tell you the truth. Fiona is currently in his palace, getting ready and getting familiar with the palace.

  Despite her ordinary appearance, Fiona is a jolly person although she seldom show it, only to her close friends. When you get to know her, it is either you like her or you hate her. You like her because she is easy to be friends with, or you hate her because you are jealous of her easy-going attitude. Let's be real for a second, you will never get everyone to like you, even a prophet have his enemies. But it so happens that she is widely accepted in the palace. She is known as a helpful person, a good cook, and knows her rightful place. To be frank, she is not a nuisance, and she might bloom to become a great queen. The current queen is happy with her because, to tell you the truth, Fiona is not so pretty, so the current queen can remain the most beautiful queen of all. The palace staff is happy because she likes to do everything on her own, and the king granted her freedom in the palace itself.

  Fiona is comfortable in the palace. Although she seldom sees her knight in shining armor, she feels that he loves her. Little gifts always finds it way to her, everywhere in the palace. In her heart, she is puzzled with the question of why the prince chose her, but she know that whatever the reason is, she must enjoy it while it last, for it can be gone in a blink of an eye, just like everything in this world, except for plastics, it just seems to be everywhere. So she tries to be useful for the prince and his family, cooking, helps with the cleaning, reading and studying whatever is given to her. She gets along with all of his brothers and sister, all four of them, and they enjoy her company. She still dress as usual, nothing is changed, except for her daily routine and her heart for the prince, as it grows to love him more and more.

  The wedding drew near, as the prince firmly decided that their marriage will commenced 3 months after the engagement. The palace is buzzing with life and excitement, as they accepted the new princess to be, so charming is she even if she is plain looking. They hoped the new addition will truly bring change to the royal family, as it is known the family is deep with tradition that it seems it lost its touch with the people of the country. The girl to be wed, plain looking is she, is warm at heart and passionate with everything she believes in, always living in the now, and hoping for the future, not so plain looking after all.

  The people is excited, but majority is keeping their cool, as they have learned previously, not to be too hopeful, for people change. Secretly they pray that the new addition will add spunk and color to the current monarchy. The people saw her as a courteous lady, slightly conservative for she is always covered, no sexiness is seen. She is not long legged, and not thin either. They feel that it is quite refreshing that she is ordinary. So far, she has not disappointed the people, even though she has no idea what the people is praying for her, just a feeling that she has, that is, she must stay true to herself.

  The night before the wedding, she met him for the longest time she can ever remembered. They talked, he joked, she laughed. It was a good feeling. A good vibe before the big day. He looked at her lovingly as she laughed heartily at his joke, and she stopped short and blushed, looking away, feeling embarassed with a skip in her heart. He is so handsome she thought. I don't deserve him, that thought haunted her for a split second and she shook it off. She continued talking about things she is passionate about and drawing his attention and continued rambling on. She felt truly happy that night.

  He knew he had made the right choice. This beautiful angel sitting right in front of him. His friends ridiculed him about her, so plain looking is she. His cousins said he is having a rebellious time, just to prove his daddy king wrong. He just smiled and shrugged all of them away. To him, she is beautiful, the moment he saw her feeding the kitten on the street. She was cute when she actually didn't know who he was. She was perfect when she started living in the palace. His father is happy, his mother is contented. His siblings loves her, and the staff is friends with her. All those time he saw her, he fight the urge to hug her, and tell her he love her, for his father warned him of "PDA" before marriage is regarded as a bad behavior in the royal family, and consequences will be given out. Its a test for him, the king said, for 3 months, and if he is able to control it, he is fit to be king, as he is able to control himself against the biggest threat of all, a woman. He smiled lovingly again, thinking that tomorrow she will be his for as long as she let him have her. 

   They bade farewell, for tonight will be the last night they see each other as another stranger, even though in their hearts they feel that they have known each other a long time ago. Both of them stood at the door, eyes locked, none saying anything, for quite some time, until his only younger sister came in to see the bride to be, to have a long nice gossip before the big day. The prince quickly smiled and waved awkwardly and left the room. Little sister began to giggle and laughed out loud when she is unable to contain her laughter anymore. Fiona smiled, embarassed but her eyes locked at the door where he left just a few moments ago.

to be continued.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016




You know what?
My dreams used to be to find me a good husband.
Then to pass through university.
Then to pass through internship.


I always say that i want to be a better muslim, but do i work for it?

Dreams. Does it equate with what we want?

So when people ask me, what do i want?
I can list down so many things, so many things that may have something to do with me, up to what i think i want the world to be. But deep down, just maybe, a little small place in my heart, i will always know that what i want is to be selfish.

dark. yes, i am a dark person.
I want to be a better persona, that outshines all the others i have come across.
i want to be as good as her
i want to be better than him
i want to be excellent in the eyes of others.

In the end.
i don't really know what i want
because i don't know what or who defines as me.

result, i am a shadow of others.

So now my dream is, to find myself. or is it to redefine myself?
i want to be selfless, as opposed to me now.

i. for they say to change the world, start with the one you look in the mirror, alone.
i want to be as good as me
i want to be better than me
i want to be excellent, not only in the eyes of me, but in the eyes of Allah. (But that is up to Allah to judge)

I will be selfish in pursuit to be selfless.


Wednesday, July 27, 2016

long post

oh my. such long post, should learn to speak in phrases. too long, too boring.

eid raya (improper version)


Assalamualaikum wbt.

Hello jello to the people who came across accidentally to this blog, and to those who might have been curious and clicked to this page. Welcome.
(Actually i know no one is reading. Haha. I hope there is. No matter!)

Raya. It is what we called eid celebration in malay.
Alhamdulillah i had the opportunity of celebrating eid in different places. Weelllll, i actually only had the experience of different celebrations in only two foreign placess....no matter! stories should be told shamelessly...pam pa ra ra!(imagine superhero pose here).

I love to experience culture. But usually i am bashful around celebrations, as i have lived my life governed by other's perpective. tsk tsk. No matter!!... Getting on!
So first i experience eid celebration in my motherland Malaysia. Traditionally we will travel back to our hometown which for me requires 2-4 hours of drive to reach my hometown or "kampung" as we call it, you know, what you people call small towns or countryside. Its no city i bet you.

We will travel one to two day prior to the celebration, where we will break fast on the last day with our families, grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunties, et ceteras. Since there are no big tables to cater this big whole family, we will just sit down on the floor and eat, passing the food around. And then after maghrib prayers, the kids will play with sparklers and "pop-pop" fireworks, (to know more please ask the author, thank you). The men will proceed to the masjid/surau for isyak prayer and takbir raya. The women folk will stay in the kitchen and continue with the preparation of the feasts! (Mind you a month of deprivation of food, the smell of food will invite you to "curi rasa" (tasting) multiple times. Hehehehehehhhh... (swallows saliva as i am writing this.

You can actually feel the excitement, usually from kids as they are the lucky ones during this celebration. (more will be revealed!) But the air is also filled with buzz from the adults as some of them ironing their "new clothes" and completing the finishing touches of the festivities. (In those days, we seldom get new clothes, usually only this time of the year do we get new clothes, and always we tend to be "samesies" on this day, which means "themed outfits!!")

The next day, we start our day with prayers, give thanks to Allah for letting us complete the month and allowed us to devote ourselves to Him for one month. And then before we get to feast, there is the traditional "line up of forgiveness" where we queue to our parents and grandparents to "salaam" and ask them for forgiveness. Now this line usually will be started with kids, well they don't have much to apologize for don't they? anyhooo, kids are the most eager for this. WHy? after the salaam, they will get "duit raya" or angpows! See! so lucky right? The adults? We will akwardly shake hands (salaam) and mumbles some apologies. The drama queens and kings will shed some tears...camera rolling! Yup, we do apologize our heart out in this beautiful celebrations.

The peak of raya is the "breakfast"! We prepared so many menus, beef rendang, chicken rendang, clam rendang, kerabu rendang, what else that can be rendang-ed. heheh. Nah, mostly beef and chicken rendang. Than we have lemangs, ketupats, ketupat palas, nasi impits, all of them carbs babeh! If you ritzy and mak-datin-ey, you might prepare snooty stuff like bihun sup or laksa johor. Hahah, nope just kidding, some times it is boring to eat the same stuff, so we might be whimsical and change the menu from time to time. 

Another highlights of the eid (in malaysia that is) is the "baju raya" or our "outfit of the day"! Girls especially will pick out the most glamorous and shiniest clothes trending or in season at that paticular time of the year, and you will see an army of colours going round houses, "raya-ing", trying to outshine each other. Me? I usually wear whatever my mom buys, because my mom is fashionable, and i love everything she picked out for me, although my outfit must always be baggy, never see through and hides my shape. No matter! moving on.

One more thing that we usually do is going round houses and visiting relatives and neighbours, although now its just visiting relatives, the neighbours...we don't know our neighbours no more. sad.
okay, enough of that, this usually the time to catch up on siblings fight, health problems, monetary issues, government..because this is the time when Malaysians have a long holiday, well for malays precisely. Why can't we visit on any other time of the year? well, i don't know how to answer that. excuse me while i flush myself down the toilet.

And this go on up to 3 days. Well we usually head back to our homes on the third or second or fourth raya. But the celebrations does not stop there. Now is the time we (malays) will have open houses! So how do we open our houses? easy, just open the door! (LAME JOKE LATE WARNING!) Well, we will cook so much food and so many people and we eat and socialise, catching up, and we eat, kids playing around, and we eat some more. Like a party! Except there's real food compared to only pizza (as i have seen in so many romantic comedies, my impression of american party wat wat!) Funny eh, after fasting for 30 days, we end up stuffing our faces with food for the next 30 days. Let me go and shoot myself! hehehehehehe (SARCASTIC laugh)

Usually i will only follow my parents visit their friends house, long lost relative and so on. Not knowing anyone, i just stuffed my face with food, watching tv if it is on, avoiding akward conversations. No wonder i am sooo fat!! (LAME excuse)

Aannnd that sums it up. Basically. I might have missed some points but what the heck!
Let's enjoy the delicious foods!

Bye! rendang here i come...muahahahhaa!

Saturday, June 18, 2016

soul searching


i am in dire need of soul searching, stat!